It seems like the day after I got married, my husband turned off the romance switch. He used to send me flowers for no reason, write me notes, take me out to dinner, etc., but I don’t get any of that now. We’ve been married for almost two years and I’ve brought up this issue on several occasions. He always brushes it off and says that because we’re married, he shouldn’t have to spend money like that anymore.
Uh, umm, was there a question in there? Because, I didn’t see one and it does clearly state twice to “Ask Bib” and “Ask Bib a question”. Don’t get upset, I’m just saying… okay, don’t worry about it, I’ll try to figure it out.
“Hey Bib, how do I turn my husband into the guy he was before we were married?”
Let me ask you this. Are you the same girl you were before you were married? Remember all those things you used to do for him and to him? Has that continued? Or has it taken a back seat to other excuses, sorry I meant “priorities”? It’s not that one of the reasons he was so romantic is he was just trying to win you over to get you to marry him, it’s more so that the only reason he was being romantic was just trying to win you over to marry him. It’s an old fashioned medieval, Victorian, Harlequin Romance process called “courting”. It’s done with now. In his mind, he’s got the sale.
Don’t get me wrong, there should still be some room for the romance, but let’s to put it in perspective by turning the table around. Do you still offer the same type of “affection” (along with the same frequency) as before you were married? And before you give a statement rather than an answer, yes it is the same. Romance to a girl is = “Do’in it” to a guy. That doesn’t mean that in order for him to give you more romance, you have to jump his bones every day. It means that you both have a new journey together. Before you were married, chances are you talked about kids, and places to go visit and where you would like to live. Now that you are married, those are still great discussions, but now the talk is about how to pay for it all. Just like the discussion on future evolved, your state of “love” has evolved. You don’t have to convince each other that there is a love. You’re married… it’s kind of a gimme. So the romance has gone from a need to a want.
So in answer to your question… or uh, my question, you don’t. He’ll never be the same guy as before you were married, just like you’ll never be the same girl. What you can do is both of you sit down, make a list with two columns. Needs at the top of one column and wants at the top of the other. Fill it out, and then go over it without judgement. You can have an item in both columns. For example, I need a cheeseburger once a week. I want a cheeseburger 5 times a week. This exercise will certainly give you both a better understanding of what you expect from each other. And remember to be honest. I recommend tequila.