Hey Bib,

I’ve been dating a guy for a while now.  We’ve talked about marriage, but he’s still hasn’t asked.  How do I get him to commit?

Answer:

I think in order to best help you with this, we should change the question slightly from “How can I…” to “Why won’t he…”.  Now with that being said, there is no simple answer.  Wait, actually there is.  But it’s not the one you want to hear.  No, I don’t mean, “He’s just not that into you”.  It’s more that he’s just not ready.  

Let me give you my history.  My now wife, then girlfriend (with a fiancé in the middle), dated for three years before I proposed.  It wasn’t that I was having any sort of reservations.  I absolutely knew that I wanted to marry her.  I just didn’t feel that I was ready.  Not so much to commit, but rather to put a 110% on our family.  There are plenty of guys out there who get married but still hold their work as priority #1.  Working late, weekends and not having any time to spend on the real important work… family.  I didn’t want that to be me.

I’m pretty lucky though.  I have a very understanding and patient wife.  I did make sure that I kept an open communication with her on how I was feeling about our relationship and reinforce to her that I do want to marry her when the time is right.  Of course me saying that is like telling a little boy that you are going to buy him that bike he’s always wanted… but just not right now.  However, when the time was right (for me), I was never more ready, and have never been happier.

I’m not sure how much that helps you, but let me ask you this.  How long are you willing to wait?  Don’t misinterpret that question as advise to give him an ultimatum (cause that will certainly end well), but rather a question you need to ask yourself.  If and when he gets to that spot in which he’s ready, he’ll let you know.  Although, I will say this, if you’ve been seriously together for more than three years, he may just be too comfortable with the way things are and worried that after marriage things will change.  You see in a relationship, a girl is hoping that the guy will change, and the guy is hoping that the girl won’t.